Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
