Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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