Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
