This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
