Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
