My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
