She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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