DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
