my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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