Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
