She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
