watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
