I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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