I could make wine with my vomit
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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