I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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