Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
