Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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