I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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