this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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