if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
