Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
