just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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