dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
