New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
