I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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