Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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