Cold hands, warm shart.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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