There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
