I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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