I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
