went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
