the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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