I am in a vortex of obligation.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
third nipple confirmed
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
