the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize