my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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