The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
