She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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