Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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