i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
