i jhust puked up my retainher.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
