Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
