Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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