We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
