I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
