my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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