Cold hands, warm shart.
i think my tv is drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
