I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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