Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
