The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
this hospital has no fireball
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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