Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
