So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
