My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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