and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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