Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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