I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
