Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
