I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
