I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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