plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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