She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize